Deep thoughts – by those of us in the hotel industry…If you have any of your own, throw ’em in the comments

“When a pissed off guest asks for a Manager, I wonder if walking out holding my infant daughter may help diffuse the situation.  I mean no one would dare yell at a woman holding a newborn, would they?”

-By Fran Desske

“Next time I gotta handle a guest complaint, I’m going to douse my shirt in ketchup and walk out like I’m bleeding profusely.  I’ll mention to the guest that I heard her issue of how she received two towels instead of four so I had to tell the ambulance to wait in the parking lot and put my potentially life threatening injury on hold for a minute while I took care of this utterly imminent issue”

-By Ima Chekyuwin

“Next time a guest yells at me when I valet their car for moving their seat, I’ll just ask them if they’d rather their seat be moved, or their car be brought up with a busted front end because I couldn’t reach the gas pedal because the guest is 6 foot 8 and I’m 5 foot 5…”

-By Val Laye

“Walking Guests = Actual Hell”.

-By Evry Wonn

“If Duck Dynasty can be as popular as it is, then throw a few cameras inside a hotel and put that shit on A&E.  Or Comedy Central.  I guess both would work just fine.”

-By Gina B. Astarr

“One time, on January 1st, I got a call from a guest who demanded an 8 am check in.  Keep in mind that the night prior, New Year’s Eve, was a night that we were completely sold out, thought we were selling rooms to human beings, however, turned out to be a ton of crazed lunatic hyenas that trashed the hotel and caused damage, noise, and a mess that FEMA will have to be called in to clean up – not to mention 5 housekeepers called off because they knew what kind of day was going to be upon them, and this guy is demanding an 8 am check in?  Of course we don’t have any rooms available, but I told him we did and to head over to the hotel anyways.  He got to the desk to check in and I proceeded to tell him that we indeed do not have any rooms available but that the only reason I had him come to the hotel early was to see the face of the guy who asked the most idiotic question of the year (literally) and handed him a name tag, a housekeeping uniform and a broom and told him to get to work.  I was fired the next day.”

-By Shooda Seendatcommin

“I hate voicemails.  I hate them.  So much so that if someone doesn’t tell me the reason for the message, I won’t call them back. That stupid orange light blinking over and over represents to me the level of annoyance the guest is going to give me when or if I decide to call them back.  Voicemails to me are like this year’s presidential election – you know you have to deal with it at some point because it’s not going away, but the though of it makes you want to punch an infant”

-By Don Givacrap

“On group contracts, I think we need to have a Webster’s Dictionary definition of the phrase ‘cutoff date’ in order to explain to people that it’s not the day in which you START making reservations, it’s the day the reservations CUT OFF.  Speaking of cutoff dates, when I get a call from someone and the first words out of their mouths are, ‘I know it’s past the cutoff date…’  I literally just hang up.”

– By Comonn Mayun

When you realize that you just checked in the last person of the night and it’s 8pm it’s like that feeling when you just get your screaming two year old to go to sleep.  It’s like, “cheyaa, this is daddies time now!”

-By Yuno Itstrew

“I love when I tell people we’re sold out and their first response to me is, ‘who even travels to this city?’  I always respond with, ‘well, smartass, you are traveling here…'”

– By Yu Wannago

“Next time a guest tells me they are superstitious and can’t stay in a room that is on the 13th floor, or has the numbers 1 or 3 in it, or adds up to 13, I’ll just put them on the 14th floor — which really is the 13th floor, we just don’t call it that.  Then when they check out the next day and nothing bad happens to them, I’ll be happy to point that out”

-By Supah Stishess

“Just a suggestion for any of you passive aggressive folks out there:  I would rather you scream at me than have you calmly tell me you’re upset and that we have the worst hotel staff you’ve ever come into contact with.  Being passive aggressive just makes me not want to help you and beat your face in even more”

By Yuzah Biche

“When a guest tells me they don’t want to give me their phone number because they don’t want to give us any personal information, what do you suppose is the nicest way possible to tell them that we already have their address and credit card number so the phone number should be the least of their worries?”

By Allya Stufsgone

“I can never understand people that continue to stay at my hotel over and over, and every time they stay, they have a complaint. Obviously we can’t make them happy so why the eff do they continue to stay?

-By Justop Stayinhere

Any early check in before 11am should be thought of as a privilege and an honor.  Not a right.

-By Itso Troo

“When a guest calls and asks if we have a good rate for them because they’re coming in for a family emergency – three weeks from now – all I want to do is call the cops because it seems like someone might be about to get murdered”

-By Seames Susspishesse

“A guest called and told me we were unaccommodating because they’re from the west coast, and they traveled to our hotel, which is on the east coast, and since they’re still used to a different time zone, we should have adjusted our breakfast time to be later for them.  Then, like a good, hospitable employee, I nodded in agreement, sympathized with them, then asked them calmly if they also thought it was unaccommodating that we provided snow as well instead of warm weather, you know, like they have on the West Coast.”

-By Isdiss Bichferreal

“When someone leaves me a nasty voicemail, and I don’t call them back right away, I usually get another, more offensive voicemail from that same person a few days later.  Now it is at this point that I call the person back and tell them that I was out of the office due to a medical emergency for the past few days and almost didn’t make it, but a colleague told me while I was in the hospital that I had a few voicemails from someone who really needed to speak with me, so I came into work a few days sooner than I needed to in order to help them.  Guarantee you the person will forget their whole issue.”

-By Tryit Sumtyme

Real life question from a guest:

“I heard you have a lot of shootings that happen in your city.  Can you tell me why I’d want to stay there?”  

This isn’t the friggin dating game.  If you don’t feel comfortable staying here, then don’t waste my time.  After wondering how to even answer that question, I finally spewed this out:

“Ma’am, those shootings happen in the city and not inside our hotel so you should be fine as long as you don’t go outside'”

Probably not the best answer…

-By Ohe Welle

Next time I come into work and we’re sold out AND it’s a citywide sellout with nowhere to walk anyone, I will walk myself…home”

-By M. Ployees Rywhere