Rule #1: When you’re traveling to a hotel, bring a valid credit card.
‘Isn’t that an obvious statement’ you might ask? Not as obvious as you’d think. For some reason, I’m reminded of a quote by Steve Martin, “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” To some people, the obvious isn’t always that. And I have a situation that paints such a picture.
This is an incident that I encountered with a guest of ours, Señor Dumbass (who actually never ended up being a guest). Sorry, that was mean. I only meant to give him that name as an alias. But, that was mean. So let’s call him Mr. Dumbass instead. Anyway, Mr. Dumbass (Mr. DA for short) tried to check in with a declined credit card. Let’s see how he fared, shall we?
Spike: Hi sir, how’s it going today?
Mr. DA: Good, you?
Spike: Good, checking in?
Mr. DA: Yea
Spike: Great, I’ll just need a photo ID and credit card
Mr. DA stops what he’s doing for a second, and looks confused. He tilts his head and looks up at me like I just grew a third nostril.
Mr. DA: Credit card? Why do I need a credit card?
Spike: Great question, Mr. Dumbass. Let me do my best to answer that. You need a credit card because how the hell else are you supposed to pay for the room?
Mr. DA: Well I plan on paying cash
Spike: Let me be more clear. Paying me cash up front only pays for the room and tax. It doesn’t pay for the damage you are probably about to cause. Ipso facto, I need a credit card.
Mr. DA: Ok, well no one told me that I needed a credit card
Spike: Yes. You were told that. And even if you weren’t, it’s on your confirmation email or letter. And even if it wasn’t there, it’s on our website. And even if it wasn’t on there, it’s just common knowledge. Now stop lying to me and throwing my employees under the bus and give me a credit card before I call security and kick your ass out for being a moron
Mr. DA: Alright, here’s a card. It’s not gonna go through for anything though
Spike: Thanks for this piece of useless plastic! Did you give this to me so I can admire how lovely this Dallas Cowboys logo is on your worthless credit card? What did you really think I was going to do when you gave me this card? Swipe it and pretend it went through? How does this credit card even look worn? I mean half the magnetic stripe is missing. Was that just a subtle ploy to make me think you use this card all the time? I think I’m going to use our ‘I’m with stupid’ promo we have going on right now where anyone that a front desk agent thinks is too stupid to stay at the hotel automatically gets their rate doubled and a kick in the nuts! Congratulations sir, you are the winner today! He might as well have handed me this card:
Mr. DA: Seriously? Well I don’t have a card. No one told me I needed one. I have a reservation with you, so what you’re saying is that if I can’t come up with a credit card, I can’t stay?
Spike: Yea that’s the general rule with anything. If you don’t have money to pay for something, you can’t have it. Would you go to a grocery store and get $300 worth of groceries and hand the clerk at checkout a declined credit card? If I was gonna buy a TV you were selling and told you I don’t have money right now, but to give me the TV anyway and I’ll pay you cash tomorrow morning, would you give it to me? Why would a hotel be any different? Oh, I know, because you’re still thinking about smoking weed and throwing a party in my room and you know I’m on to you now so you’re just biding your time and trying to make me feel uncomfortable so that I just say screw it and let you in anyways. Guess what, PEOPLE DO THIS TO ME EVERY WEEKEND, SO GET A NEW GIG!
Mr. DA: It’s not like I’m going to cause damage in the room or anything. We don’t misbehave like that
Spike: That’s exactly what you’re going to do. Every single situation I have ever dealt with where I have had this type of dialogue with a guest, there ends up being damage or smoke. It’s not my first rodeo, and it’s clearly not yours either. If you waste one more second of my time, I’m going to reach across the front desk and pull your head down and smack it on the counter
Mr. Dumbass decides he wants to raise his voice and starts to get in my face.
Mr. DA: Man, this is BS. We booked this room like last week. We got people coming here tonight expecting us to have this room!
Spike: Really? You’re gonna get loud with me? Am I the one with the crappy card? Oh, and sorry you took time out of your hectic schedule to book this hotel room last week. We thought that since you booked it sooooo long ago that you are exempt from any and all rules that the hotel has. Usually it’s just guests that book their hotel rooms within a week that we are complete jerks to. And both you and I know no family member or friend is about to come in and put a card down for you knowing what you’re about to do in the room tonight. All that really was, was me trying to offer you up another solution so you can’t say I was unhelpful. But you’ll probably say that anyways
Mr. DA: Man, I ain’t got no friends that can come in and put a card down for me
Silence.
Spike: No shit
Mr. DA: Is there someone else I can speak to about this? I’m ’bout to complain
Spike: No there’s no one else to speak with. But just out of curiosity, what would you say to that person if there was? ‘You’re Front Desk Manager wouldn’t let me get a room because I didn’t have a credit card to pay for it?’ Wow, you’re right. You sure do have an argument there. Better fire me for not giving away a free room. Maybe what I should do for a guest that hands me a declined credit card in the future is not turn them away, but assign them a janitor’s closet instead. One thing is just as useless as the other…
Mr. DA: Wow. So that’s how it is? Aight. I gotta make some calls then and I’ll be back later
Spike: Go make some phone calls telling your friends the nice Front Desk Manager at the hotel wouldn’t accept the cash you made from your latest drug deal and that you have to go on to plan B, which is the crappy hotel down the street that doesn’t care if you check in with a half naked stripper at your side. Good luck leaving there without a disease. Come back never!
(Mr. Dumbass never came back).
MORAL OF THE STORY:
When you go to a hotel, almost every single one (at least the reputable ones) will ask you for a credit card at check in (and a photo Id that matches the name on the credit card – but that’s a story for another day). If you don’t have a credit card, remember that this is the 21st century and that everyone should have a credit card. If you don’t, it’s a big red flag to a hotel that you’re about to cause some issues. And if you do find yourself at the front desk with no credit card, don’t lie and say someone told you it was okay to pay cash at check in when you know for a fact you were not told that. Even if you were told that, it is your responsibility to know about the hotel you are staying at by checking up on it online. It’s not the hotel’s responsibility to tell you every fact about the hotel because if we did, every phone call would be a half hour long and most likely the person that made your reservation was a front desk agent that was also dealing with five other people on hold and someone checking in at the same time, so pardon them for not being as thorough as you would like them to be. And God help you if you are a guest that says that you weren’t told that you needed a credit card, and you booked your room online or via a travel agent. Now, not only are you lying to me, you’re admitting to me that you are completely inept as a human being. If you booked online, yet you say you were not told you needed a credit card, what did you expect? Our technologically savvy reservations software to take over your computer speakers and yell out to you after you submit your reservation – “DON’T FORGET YOUR DAMN CREDIT CARD!” Sorry, our technology isn’t there just yet. Or a phone call from a front desk agent a week prior to your reservation saying, “Hello Mr. Dumbass! We have been waiting around all year for your reservation and finally saw it come through. We just wanted to let you know you needed a credit card at arrival! Have a great day!” Oh wait…We do that!! In the form of a confirmation email that gets sent to you a week prior to your arrival. Sure, it’s not a lovely voice telling you that you need a credit card, but they are words instead. Sorry for assuming that you passed kindergarten and can read.
By the way, if you actually don’t own a credit card and you are a decent human being who would really not damage a room, I suggest you call the hotel in advance to discuss other ways to go about paying at check in – which there are a few.
That’s it for today, folks. I got myself all worked up by reminiscing about this exchange with Mr. Dumbass. I’m going to go order some Pad Thai.
Also, follow me on twitter@hotellmeaboutit
Heads in Beds: A Reckless Memoir of Hotels, Hustles, and So-Called Hospitality
