Well, well, well.  Looks like it certainly has been awhile.  But you know what they say about time…I have no idea, actually.

Our latest tale takes us to speak with a guest named Mr. Lyingsob.  Have you ever had an embarrasing situation happen to you but instead of owning it and moving on with your life, you had to blame it on someone else?  And the more you kept going with your lie, the more people noticed you were lying?  And then you just look like a total douche?  Well, here you go:

Mr. Lyingsob:  I need to speak with the manager. I have an issue I need to report.

Spike:  What can I do for you, my good sir?

Mr. Lyingsob:  So I woke up this morning and I found that there was crap in my sheets.

Spike:  Wow, really?  That stinks

Spike:  So let me make sure I have the series of events correct.  You went to bed and there was no shit in the sheets.  You woke up, and there was shit in the sheets?  Do I have all of that in order?

Mr. Lyingsob:  Yes pretty much.  I woke up and realized I had slept in sheets that must have had crap in them the whole time.  I feel very dirty.  Obviously your housekeeping staff does not do a great job of cleaning the sheets!

Spike:  Dammit, you’re right.  I’m going to fire all my housekeepers for doing a shitty job.

I walked up to the guest’s room and located said sheet.  I found the crap and it was not dry like it had been there for a long time.  It…was…FRESH!

Spike:  Sir, not gonna lie – how in the world could you have missed that when going to bed?  The way a normal person gets in to bed, there is no way you would not have seen this.  It definitely looks… how shall I say, fresh from the oven.

Mr. Lyingsob:  I certainly hope you are not insinuating that I am the one who did this!

Spike:  All signs point to your ass.

Spike:  Lord knows there’s much evidence here to support your theory.  Except of course for that shit filled pair of jeans in the corner of your room.  May I tell you what I think happened?  Alrighty then!

You went out after work.  You had a few drinks and you came back to the hotel.  But you weren’t alone.  Something else was with you in this hotel room and there was a struggle.  The struggle took place in your lower intestine with the bad sushi you had at the gas station driving up here.  Then you couple that with dream you had about chocolate ice cream splooging out of a nozzle and you have a recipe for disaster.  THATS’ why you had a bad night!  THAT’S why you crapped the sheets!  THAT’S why your neighbor heard screaming at 4am.  THAT’S why you had to blame the housekeeper!  AND THAT’S WHY ROGER PODACTER IS DEAD!

Mr. Lyingsob:  I am going to need some sort of compensation for this!

Spike:  Sure.  Here is an adult diaper.  That’s on the house, no need to thank us.

Mr. Lyingsob:  You are going to hear from me on social media!

Spike:  I certainly hope we do!  We will be having an “Adults who lie about crapping in hotel sheets and blaming it on someone else” awareness meeting next week and a testimonial from you would go a long way!

Moral of the story, save some face (or should I say ass) and don’t even bother complaining when it comes to something like this.  Even though most hotel employees won’t say anything, WE KNOW IT WAS YOU!  I know it’s not the easiest thing in the world to tell the hotel that you had an ‘accident’, but I’d rather you not say anything and us just find it than you lie and try to get our housekeepers in trouble.  Keep your crap to yourself.