Rule #3: Be entirely sure of the situation before accusing a hotel employee of anything
There is really no setting this one up. It’s pretty obvious by the title what the situation is. All I can tell you is that it was a huge checkout day so there were people everywhere. Right when we’re at our busiest, of course, this dude walks up to me and this is how it goes
Spike: Hello, sir.
Mr. Yellsalot: Hi, you’re a Manager, I assume?
Spike: What gave it away? The suit I’m wearing versus the jackets and khakis that my valets are wearing?
Mr. Yellsalot: Your valet was joyriding in my car!
Spike: Whoa, whoa, whoa, that’s a pretty serious accusation. Did you witness it yourself? Oh, and by the way, if you could yell any louder, that would be great. I was hoping that the guests still eating breakfast could hear about your issue. But please, continue. I would love to hear how this one goes.
Mr. Yellsalot: I checked in yesterday at 4pm and didn’t ask for my car again until this morning about 10 minutes ago. I know exactly what mileage I had on my car when I pulled in here and it’s about 200 miles more right now. Can you explain this to me?
Spike: Let’s start by doing some simple math. 200 miles is roughly 3 hours. So what you are actually telling me is, my valet was gone for 3 hours, joyriding in your Dodge Stratus and no one realizing he was gone?
Mr. Yellsalot: It sounds like management need to do a better job of keeping an eye on your valets!
Spike: Ok, smartass, yesterday when you checked in, I was working. I remember you and your crappy car. I also had 3 valets scheduled – one of them being a supervisor. Don’t you think that either myself, the valet supervisor, or, hell, anyone working in the building at all, would wonder where a valet went for 3 hours on a busy night when I only have 3 of them scheduled to begin with? Not only that, if one of them were to decide to take your car out for a spin, I’m thinking they would have chosen any other car we had in our possession last night versus your beat up piece of crap car that sounds like it’s about to blow up any second.
Mr. Yellsalot: I want to get reimbursed for gas money that was spent joyriding in my car too. This is insane!
Spike: But you didn’t let me finish. Not only will I not be giving you gas money for joyriding that didn’t occur, I will be putting your picture up on my dart board I keep in my office for target practice.
Mr. Yellsalot: You explain to me another option of how this could happen if your ‘trusted’ valets didn’t take my car out! Give me another explanation then!
Spike: You got it, man. Where did you drive in from?
Mr. Yellsalot: Cleveland!
Spike: Which is about 200 miles from here, right?
Mr. Yellsalot: Yea, so what?!
Spike: You know what’s up. Stop pretending like you’re still confused. You drove here from Cleveland, OH, which is about 200 miles away from here, and it probably took you around three hours to get here too, right?!
Mr. Yellsalot: Are you telling me that I’m making this whole thing up?!
Spike: Actually, based on your pompous tone, it seems like you still actually believe that someone here stole your car for three hours. So maybe you’re apparently too dense to realize what is going on. You obviously remembered your mileage from before you left your house instead of remembering your mileage when you arrived here like you said. From Cleveland to here is about 200 miles and three hours away, which is basically the time and the distance that you said my valets were joyriding in your car. That is no coincidence, bro.
Mr. Yellsalot: This is horse shit and I’m telling everyone what your valets do here.
Spike: You still think that the valet who took this supposed joyride in your car really had nothing better to do at work last night then go on a road trip halfway to Cleveland BY HIMSELF, then decide, ‘hey, I should probably get back to work’, and make it back before anyone realized he was gone?
Mr. Yellsalot looked at me, shook his head and started to yell out into the lobby full of people.
Mr. Yellsalot: DON’T PARK YOUR CAR WITH THE VALETS! IF YOU ALREADY DID, CHECK YOUR MILEAGE!
Spike: Hey, jackass, you know you screwed up. I know you won’t admit it, but inside you know what really happened and now you feel like a dolt because you realize what a bonehead you just made yourself look like in public. And that makes you upset because you usually don’t make those types of mistakes, which makes you angrier, which is why you are leaving here without apologizing to me for yelling at me for no reason in front of other guests who now think that our valets joyride in cars. So, leave my hotel right now before I tell my valet to drive your car into the nearest river and put it out of its misery.
Moral of the Story
I mean, do I really need a Moral of the Story for this one? I guess all I could say is if you really think you have an issue with a staff member, be an adult about it and don’t yell into a crowd of people about your issue. I know in your convoluted mind, you think it makes you look tough but it really just makes you look like a dweeb to everyone around. Before attacking staff, just get all your ducks in a row before you berate someone or you may end up like our friend, Mr. Yellsalot who might need to go back to his 7th grade math teacher to figure out how I schooled him.
Hotel stories as told my my inner monologue, Spike
